


The Silhouettes You Drew

by simpsons



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gay, Insomnia, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Regret, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-03 22:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2889611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpsons/pseuds/simpsons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn has the perfect life, with the perfect girl, so he doesn't understand why he tosses and turns at night, why he can't focus, and why he has a longing feeling in his chest all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Only chapter in 1st person -- don't worry.

        I remember what it was like - the windows were down and I was racing down the road; not a single car in sight. I had some knock-off shades on and a cigarette in my mouth, the stereo was blasting and I just felt so...content. You know? It was all so perfect. I always preferred being alone -- or, at least, away from my cold, strict parents with their wine stained lips. It's not even that they cared about me, they only cared about their image and what the people in their stupid fucking country club thought about them. It was like living in a museum. 'Don't touch that, sweetie, it cost a lot,' and 'Zayn, baby, you can't put that there, we have people coming over.' I swear you not, there was not a single family photo hanging in my house; only Van Gogh.  
  
        Home? No. It wasn't home to me. It was ice cold all the time, yet it was so stuffy it made it impossible for me to breathe. I knew my parents didn't like my hair or my clothes and they definitely didn't like my girlfriend; I honestly have started to think they're excited for me to leave for college. They would final get the image they wanted. A perfect, beautiful family. I wouldn't even be surprised if they adopted a well-behaved kid to take my place. I snorted at that, because it was so something my mum would do. I couldn't skateboard, because _I didn't want to look like a punk_. I couldn't wear baggy clothes, because _I didn't want people to get the wrong idea_. I couldn't do anything, because, _God forbid_ , someone would _think_ something of me.

 

        My phone rang, sidetracking me from my thought. I flipped my phone open, answering the call and immediately getting my mother's worried voice. "Zayn? Zayn, sweetie, come home. Your father and I are worried." I laughed inside my head. The words repeating in my head, 'come _home_.'

 

        "Mum, I'm not coming home tonight. Or tomorrow. I'm taking a gap year before college and I'm getting away. We've talked about this," I talked back to her, focusing my eyes on the road again. My mum could argue to her heart's content. I wasn't going back. I was doing something -- I was doing something for me. For once in my whole life, I was doing something for me. She couldn't and wouldn't stop me.

 

        "Talked about this? We did not tal-" my mother started, putting on her classic fake, shocked tone, which I have heard a thousand times when she knew that she being the fool, until I cut her off. 

 

        "You're right, Mum, I talked about it. You were too busy dressing up to impress Thomas Johns to have time for me," I bluntly brought up her affair with a bartender, that I swore I'd never speak of, making the other line fall completely silent. "I'm going, Mum. Tell Mr. Johns, his wife, _and_ kids that I said 'hi.'" I then shut my phone, throwing it into the backseat and turning the music up louder. 

 

        This is what I needed. A year for me. To focus on me and who I am. A year from my mother's gossiping friends, from my dad's stupid little father/son days at the golfing courts, and from spending most of my dinner's eating in the basement to get away from the guests. I'll just settle down in some shitty motel, get a job, and for once have some freedom. I was tired of people a slave in my own fucking house.


	2. One.

        "Please, baby?" Was the last thing Zayn could say to his wife, Perrie, before a tall, thin lady in a dress suit walked into the waiting room; her high-heels making her entrance rather noticeable. She was holding a clipboard in her hand, and she had a soft, genuine on her face. Zayn knew who she was -- she had called in another man in a few minutes before -- she was that lady who led you to the doctor? Zayn couldn't remember the name of them. Like.. the nurse, only a bit different in the situation; she wasn't going to check my temperature and blood pressure. This was a different type of doctor's office.  
  
        Zayn's mind was too clouded to finish the thought of what the tall lady's job was labelled as, and his breathing slowly began to pick up as she moved closer to his wife and him. "Zayn Malik? I'm Mrs. Henry. Dr. Epstein will see you know. Please, follow me," the tall women, who's name Zayn now knew was Mrs. Henry, informed him. She was polite, and seemed to take quick notice to his worrying, "There's nothing to be nervous about. It isn't at all how the movie portray it." Zayn looked at Perrie once, before slowly standing up, and following Mrs. Henry.  
  
        It's not that Zayn was afraid of a little doctor's office -- not at all. He was a grown man, and he could handle a few needles and taps on my knees with a hammer. Zayn just have never been to _this_ kind of doctors office.  
  
        As Zayn followed behind Mrs. Henry, he caught a glimpse of himself in a tinted window. There were dark bags under his eyes and his hair was a bit of a mess, even the freshly cleaned clothes seemed out of place. Zayn just looked like a wreck all around, which he kind of was, but wasn't at the same time. It was hard to explain.  
  
        Zayn sighed at myself, turning my head to look at Mrs. Henry, who was standing in front of a door with "Dr. Epstein" engraved onto it. "He's ready when you are," Mrs. Henry smiled at him, before making her ways back the halls.  
  
        Closing his eyes, Zayn took a slow, deep breath, then opened the knob of the door hesitantly. Mrs. Henry was right -- it was nothing like the movies portrayed it as. All the movies told you that there was suppose to be, tall, dark walls with high bookshelves filled with books at every turn. It should've been spotless clean, with hardwood floors, and two chairs being the only thing in the whole room other than the bookshelves. Or, at least, that's what Zayb thought a therapist office would look like.  
  
        This one, though, was different. It was carpeted, and there was little kid's paintings hanging on the walls, and a green couch, and an opened window. It was definitely... comfortable. While Zayn looked around the room, he noticed a little seat in the corner, with a smiling, plump man sitting on it. "Nice to see you, Zayn. I'm Dr. Epstein," the small man got out of his chair, moving over to hold his hand out to him, which Zayn shyly shook. "Why don't you sit down?'  
  
        Zayn sat there, answering shortly to all of Dr. Epstein's questions, him trying to get to _know_ Zayn. He can't possibly see how someone would learn about someone's mental problems while being asked questions like where he likes to eat, how many siblings he has, the sorta house condition he lived in as a kid, but Zayn answered them anyways. Then the pudgy doctor asked him a question he didn't know he didn't want to answer until it was asked; _why are you here?_  
          
        "I don't know," Zayn answered after a bit of hesitations, and he can't tell you that he was lying -- Zayn really didn't know why he was here. He was happy, beyond happy. His wife was beautiful, he had friends who he loved playing football with, and he was going to start a family. Zayn life was honestly everything any guy would ever hope for. Something was missing, though. Zayn's heart was longing for something he didn't have, and his body ached. He didn't know what it was, but it was the reason for the empty feeling stomach after He had eaten a full mean. It was the reason he suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness while laughing with a few of his buddies. It was the reason he couldn't sleep at night while holding his beautiful wife. "I'm empty," Zayn added on, while Dr. Epstein continued to stare at him.  
  
        "What do you mean?" Dr. Epstein raised his eyebrows, beginning to write down onto his sheet of papers, the first cliche thing about this whole experience, and it seemed to deeply bother Zayn that he was taking _notes_ on him. He wasn't a science experiment.  
  
        Zayn took a deep breath, calming himself down while closing his eyes, "I mean... My life is perfect, but it isn't the life for me. Something that should be there -- isn't."  
  
        Dr. Epstein thought to himself for a second, before asking, "Do you know what's missing?" To which Zayn simply shook his head to. "Then... tell me the most important thing to ever happen to you."  
  
        "Falling in love."  
  
        "With you wife?" Dr. Epstein smiled at this, which only made Zayn feel more worse inside.  
  
        "You'd think that, right?" A sad smile played on Zayn's lips, as  he looked at the floor. It _should've_ been falling in love with Perrie that was most important to him. That would've been _right_. It wasn't the case, though, and right now was the first time that Zayn ever thought about it. Perrie wasn't the person he loved the most. And it hit him, like a ton of bricks.  
  
        "Then with who?" Zayn was then asked, and three words rung in my head. Three words that was the name of the person Zayn was hopelessly in love with.


	3. Two.

Chapter Two:

 

        Zayn stood at his desk, while his wife was already half asleep in their bed. "Baby, come to bed," he heard her call, and he told her what he did every night; that he'd be their _soon_. Zayn never did come to bed 'soon', though, in fact, it wasn't anywhere close to it. He would sit at his desk, drawing little sketches of whatever came into his head. He usually didn't sleep, and Perrie knew that. He'd stay up into the late hours of the night, his mind too occupied with thoughts to sleep. On a good day, Zayn would sleep more than four hours.  
  
        Perrie wanted Zayn to get over his sleeping problem before they started a family, but Zayn was afraid he'd never get over _it_ , whatever 'it' was. No one really knew. He didn't feel sick or mental. He was just simply sad, and nobody really knew how to make him happy anymore. It really was too bad that both Perrie and Zayn failed to notice that his sleeping habits got worse around the time of their _wedding_ , how Zayn stopped being able to focus on his job when Perrie first started talking about a family, and how Zayn lost interest in so many hobbies when they started finding a family suited house. All these things seemed to go right over the _happy_ couples' heads.  
  
        Now that Zayn had begun to see Dr. Epestin, though, he now had a new thing to do at night while waiting for sleep to overcome him finally; it was to write. Dr. Epestin told him to write about what he was thinking, feeling, and what he was doing. Dr. Epestin wanted Zayn to always be positive while writing the book, but that seemed so hard when so many of Zayn's thoughts were negative. Dr. Epestin sad he wouldn't be reading the journal, but they would talk about it in their meetings. And, honestly, Zayn didn't want Dr. Epestin to know about all his personal thoughts, but apparently it would help him, and it would make Perrie happy. He wants to make his wife happy. So, Zayn took out the journal and started writing.  
  
 _ ~~Dear Dr. Epestin?~~_  
 _ ~~Dear myself?~~_ _  
 _We'll get to that later,__  
        _Right now, well, I'm sitting, and I can honestly tell you -- whoever you are -- that I don't know how to do this. I have no clue who I'm talking to and, shit, it's not like anyone is gonna read this. I'm just talking to myself. ~~This is so stupid~~. No, I can't tale negatively. I'm sorry._  
  
         _Well, I guess, I'll tell you about me. I'm Zayn. I'm married to Perrie, who is currently in the other room sleeping right now, and I'm very happy with her. She's everything I've always wanted in a girl. She's all every guy wants in a girl. And, moving on, I'm a comic artist. I just draw for a living, which is good, seeing how it's my favorite thing to do. I really like football, too, watching and playing it._ _  
  
 _That's it, I think. I'm not a very interesting person. Do I sign this at the end or what? I really don't know._  
  
 _From,_  
 _Zayn__  
  
        Zayn closed the journal, he felt completely awkward while writing that. He sighed, putting all his drawings and journals away, and shutting off the lights before talking into his and his wife's room. Zayn pulled Perrie's sleeping body into his arms while laying down. He liked watching her sleep, he probably would've liked sleeping next to her more, but this will have to do for the time being. Zayn closed his eyes, letting his mind wander.  
  
\- Flashback -  
  
June 10, 2011  
  
        Zayn was taken back into a locker room, which was stuffy and smelled like bad perfume, liquor, and weed. A few guys, a little older than Zayn, were sitting around chatting, all of them wearing the same uniform Zayn was already given; a denim jacket and a waist apron. He was now working at a bar as a waiter, the bar being called McLauren's Pub, which was attached to a motel. Zayn had never waitered before, and definitely not at a bar, so he really didn't know how to feel about his.  
  
        "This is Louis, Dalton, and Noah, the bartender," The gray-haired manger of the bar, Clinton, told Zayn. The three guys all waved, but there was one boy in the back had gone unnamed. "Do you know what to do?"  
  
        Zayn thought for a second before answering, "I haven't had experience, but I've been to enough restaurants to know the jist." Zayn chuckled awkwardly, trying to lighten to mood. Everything was all so... serious and hard. No one seemed to be laughing and having a good time, it was like they were _angry_ stoners, which Zayn doesn't see how weed could tighten you up. He just felt so uncomfortable, and he was pretty sure the bartender was staring at his ass. And Zayn _wasn't_ gay.  
  
        "Well, we don't do shadowing here, so I guess Liam can show you around. Liam, get out of the corner," Clinton said, turning to the previously unnoticed boy in the corner. "Liam, you have an hour to show newbie the ropes. Alright?"  
  
        As Liam came out from the back of the room, big, brown eyes met Zayn's. They were _warm_. It was the only adjective Zayn could use to describe them. Liam didn't say anything to Clinton, just gave them a simple head nod and patted Zayn on the back, leading him out of the locker room and back into the pub area. "Don't mind them, by the way, they're always angry when Clinton takes away their splifs," Liam mumbled into my ear, making me involuntarily shiver. "So, basically, all you do is wait on tables that Clinton assigns you for the night, and you take their drink orders back to Noah," Liam said, sitting down on one of the bar stools and spins himself a bit, "Simple, really."  
  
        "Do you work here?"  
  
        "Nah, I'm just the favorite nephew," Liam smiles over at Zayn cheekily, instantly making Zayn smile too. "I work at the front desk in the motel. But, you know, you're sorta young looking."  
  
        Zayn looks Liam up and down before retorting, "We look the same age."  
  
        "I mean, shouldn't you be getting ready for college, not working at some half-ass, rundown bar?" Liam asked, spinning himself in the stool again like a little child, making the smile on Zayn's face only grow a little wider.  
  
        "I ran away," Zayn replied, thinking back on how he had to disconnect his phone so he wouldn't get him parents calls or his girlfriend's worried texts, he was running away, but he never has thought of it _that_ way until now. Zayn only felt worse about himself now, and he just wanted to sleep. But the wide smile on Liam's face made him feel a little better.  
  
        "Sounds like an adventure."


	4. Three.

        Zayn was woken up by the bright, morning sun shining in through the open blinds -- Zayn's usually wake up. He turns onto his stomach, shoving his face into the pillow and groaning. He hadn't gotten enough sleep, and he just wanted some rest. Perrie walking into the room and announcing she had prepared breakfast for him got Zayn up for good, though.  
  
        Tiredly, Zayn walked into the kitchen, smiling as the smell of eggs hits him. Before he sits down he kisses his wife's cheek, and then begins to try to wipe the tired from is eyes. "I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was up until three almost," Zayn's deep, groggy voice announces, as Perrie puts a plate of food in front of him.  
  
        "I know," was all Perrie replied with, as she sat down next to Zayn and smiled slightly, beginning to eat her own food.  
  
        Zayn looked over at his wife, furrowing his eyes together in slight confusion, "Did I wake you?" Perrie shook her head, but Zayn new he did. Again. He sighs and curses at himself, starting to pick at his eggs. "I'm sorry, babe," Zayn shakes his head, looking down, "I'll be quieter, I promise."  
  
        "Were you writing like the doctor said?" Perrie asked, ignoring the promise that Zayn has said a million times before. Zayn nodded his head slowly in response, which only triggered Perrie's question, "Can I read it?"  
  
        "No, babe, you know you can't," Zayn sighed at looked over at Perrie, taking his wife's hand into his own and kissing her knuckles. "It'll all be okay, in time." Zayn then got up, kissing his wife's head and smiling a little, "I gotta head to work, babe," he announced, walking out of the room, leaving his plate full of uneaten food.  
  
\- Flashback -  
  
June 25, 2011  
  
        Over the past two weeks Zayn and Liam have become quite good mates. They didn't really do anything, other than wait for Liam to get off his shift, so they could just go up to Zayn's motel room and be bored until it's time for Zayn's shift to begin. There wasn't too much to do in this town, so they spent most of their time inside the motel, or walking around.  
  
        Zayn was sitting in the lobby, flipping through one of the magazines until Liam got off his shift at 2pm. Zayn was beyond bored, he'd been waiting there since he woke up around noon -- he always wakes up late because of his shift at the pub. Zayn turned his head to meet Liam's already staring eyes, causing Liam to blush and Zayn to chuckle. Zayn often caught Liam staring at him, not that he thought anything of it. When Zayn looked back at Liam, though, he held up five fingers -- telling Liam only five more minutes until his shift ended. Liam mouthed _thank god_ , which only made Zayn chuckle again.  
  
        Once Liam got off work, Zayn and him went up to Zayn's room to relax for a few more hours. "How was work?" Zayn asked Liam, who only rolled his as at Zayn -- you see, Zayn asked the question everyday, and only because he knew how much Liam hated his job. "If you hate your job so much, why do you work there?" Zayn wasn't trying to sound like one of those rich kids who never did any work -- even though living with his parents was pretty work-free -- but he didn't get why Liam just couldn't quit and take up a new job, or why he even _had_ to work in the first place; he was only eighteen.  
  
        "It was the only place that took me," Liam shrugged, falling down onto Zayn's bed and propping his head up on his arms.  
  
        Zayn nodded, sitting next to Liam, looking down at _him_ while he played with the fabric of the blankets, "Yeah, but... why? Do you work because your parents force you to, or because you want to work somewhere?"  
  
        Liam thought for a second, adjusting his eyes to stare up at the ceiling, "My parents aren't forcing me to do anything." Liam added the emphasis on _anything_ , which only begun to confuse Zayn more. Liam must've taken note on Zayn's confusion, and added on to what he was saying, "If I didn't work, I wouldn't have any money to go to college." Guilt immediately washed over Zayn, but he didn't know what to say to console Liam. _'I'm sorry_ '? Apologizing didn't seem appropriate in this situation. Zayn didn't really know what it was like to be short on money -- his parents always had more than enough -- so he couldn't find the words to help Liam. Instead he just stayed silent, laying down next to Liam and watching the ceiling with him. "My mum's sick," Liam said in a almost in audible voice, "Really sick. So, I could either go to college this year, or use my college tuition money to pay for her treatments. I decided having a mum is more important than any college."  
  
        Zayn's heart broke when he heard Liam sniffle back a sob. Zayn turned onto his side to face Liam, then wrapped his arms around him and pulled Liam into him closer. Laying his head on Liam's shoulder, while Liam slowly slide his arms around Zayn as well. "Can I meet her," Zayn asked, and it was the last words said from either Zayn or Liam, but the question only made Liam smile softly and have a sense of relief wash over him, as he nodded his head and kissed Zayn's temple.   
  
        And they sat like that, silently cuddling for hours.


	5. Four.

\- Flash back -  
  
June 26, 2011  
  
        Liam dragged Zayn along through the woods, in which Liam seemed to know like the back of his hands. Liam was taking Zayn to see his ill mother, and since Liam didn't own a car and Zayn didn't have any money to pay for gas, they had to walk. Zayn was rather excited about meeting Liam's family, he sort of wanted to thank them for raising such a kind kid, and Liam was secretly excited about Zayn offering to meet his family. So, the two boys took their only day off in the entire week, Sunday, to sit by Liam's sick mother on her bed. Zayn was mentally prepared for any tears that came, just like the ones he saw Liam shed yesterday when they laid in bed.  
  
        "Hurry up, Malik," the older boy rushed Zayn, grabbing his hand to make him move faster. Zayn only chuckled and made his strides longer to keep up with the slightly taller boy. As they walked through the woods, Liam would step on faulty logs and hold back tree branches for Zayn, which Zayn couldn't help to smile at. "Wait," Liam stopped, causing Zayn to halt too. "This way," Liam began pulling Zayn over in a different direction, before being pulled into a clearing.  
  
        Zayn let go of Liam's and steps into the clearing, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "What am I looking at?" Liam only chuckled from behind Zayn, stepping next to them.  
  
        "This use to be my favorite place to go as a kid," Liam spoke, nudging Zayn's side a bit. Zayn turned his head, giving his a questioning look, Liam noting his confusion. "It use to be a playground," Liam added, watching as Zayn's face softened in understanding. "There use to be a huge jungle gym, a slide, a roundabout, a swing, everything that a normal kid would love about a playground," as Liam spoke this, he pointed to random spots around the empty clearing, remembering where each component of the playground.  
  
        "Where did it go?"  
  
        "Tore it down," Liam's hands dropped down to his sides at the memory of his favorite place closing. "Some kid broke his ankle falling off the monkey bars, and suddenly the whole playground was a hazard. A week later I showed up and these guys in hard helmets were telling me to go home," Liam frowned for a second, before perking up and grabbing Zayn's hand again, pulling him away from the clearing, "But we have other matters to attend to."  
  
        Zayn watched as the clearing disappeared behind him, frowning slightly, "Did you love it?"  
  
        "The playground?" Liam asked, to which Zayn nodded his head. "It was my favorite place in the entire world," Liam muttered. Zayn felt bad for Liam, even though he didn't know what it was like to have a place like that to him; he always spent most time locked up in his room. Though, Zayn could only imagine how hard it was for Liam to have something that meaningful taken away from him. "Here we are," Liam announced, pulling Zayn from his thoughts. "Not much, but home."  
  
        Zayn's eyes wandered to the house that was now in front of them. It was small, one floor, but it looked so warm and welcoming. The inside was the best part, though. As Liam took him inside, Zayn got a good look around. There was family photos, cute knickknacks, and sunlight shining in through the windows. It was the sort of house that Zayn always wanted to live in. Not fancy, but homey.  
  
        "Hey, mum," Liam spoke next to Zayn, but Zayn had been too distracting looking at the photos of baby Liam and two other little girls to notice the women laying in the bed in the room. As Zayn's eyes met with the women's, sadness washed over his entire body. The women way laying on a bed with monitors sent up next to her. Zayn then noticed the beeping sound that showed the women's heartbeat. Liam continued to pull Zayn into the room, walking up beside his mother as Zayn stayed a few feet back; giving them their space.  
  
        "You came, sweetie, I didn't think you would," the women's voice was weak, so weak that it faltered at the end of the sentence. "And you brought someone," her eyes adjusted to Zayn, and he smiled softly at her, stepping closer.  
  
        Liam looked over at Zayn, smiling sadly, "Yeah, mum, this is Zayn. He's my best mate," Liam introduced Zayn, motioning for him to move closer. This was the first time Liam referred to Zayn as his best friend, but it seemed appropriate to both of them. They did spend every free moment together.  
  
        "He's handsome," Liam's mothered whispered to Liam about Zayn, making Liam chuckle and Zayn blush.  
  
        "I know," Liam responded quietly, nodding and leaning his forehead lightly against his mother's.  
  
\- End of Flashback -  
  
        "Zayn?" Dr. Epstein's voice snapped Zayn back into the present. Zayn looked around, acknowledging that he was in the familiar therapist room, mumbling an apology for spacing out. "What were you thinking about, Zayn?"  
  
        Zayn shook his head, closing his eyes and releasing his breath. "Nothing, I was just thinking about work. It's nothing," when Zayn opened his eyes again, he was a curious Dr. Epstein looking at him, making Zayn go stiff. He didn't like being stared at. "What was your previous question again?"  
  
        Dr. Epstein let go of the fact that Zayn completely blanked out, looking back in his notes before saying, "Ah, I asked what your favorite memory was, but then you went off in your own little world."


	6. Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut and sexual, graphic content. Read if you please, but do not report. You have been warned.

_Dear journal,_  
        I don't get it, but I'm pretending that I do for everyone else's sake. I'm acting like everything's coming unfolded and it's starting to make sense, but it's not. I'm still confused, and I think I've always have been. Back when I was young, still trying myself out, I don't think I every really did. I just became what was expected of me. So, I'm just confused. About me and about everything. It's not healthy anymore. I don't know where I went wrong, but everyone else seems to get it. Why don't I? I should know myself better than anyone, but I don't think I know me at all. Most of all, thought, I'm afraid I ruined myself by pretending too much.  
  
        I hope you don't mind, journal, but Dr. Epstein told me to write to someone I trust, even though they will never see this. So, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow, Liam.  
  
From,  
Zayn  
  
        Zayn closed his journal, looking down at the leather bound book for a second, before looking up and coming eye to eye with Perrie. She was leaning against the door frame, watching Zayn while he scribbled away in his journal; her eyebrows furrowed in curiosity as she did. A awkward smile came on Zayn's lips as he stood up from his desk, walking past his wife and into the hallway to make his way to the kitchen.  
  
        "What's for breakfast, babe?" Zayn called to Perrie from over his shoulder, still gripping the journal tightly to his side. He hadn't even realized how protectively he was holding the small, rectangular book until he looked down at himself. He loosened his hold on it a little, trying to make himself less tense. He really didn't know why he was being to possessive about the book, but he just knew that something in him didn't want anyone else to read the book.  
  
        Perrie followed after him, a few paces back and eyed Zayn closely. Her eyes narrowing at his odd movements. "What are you writing," she finally spoke, ignoring his question. Zayn turned around to face her, bringing the book tightly to his chest, fear masking over his face. "You don't have to tell me," Perrie added slowly, watching the way Zayn's shoulders tensed and how he dragged in his breath and didn't let it go. "But I would like if you did..."  
  
        "It's just, babe, it's more private stuff," Zayn said in a cautious tone, before taking a deep breath and stepping closer to his wife, Perrie, and kissing her forehead. "You're worrying, Perrie. There's no need. But I think I'll go hangout with Niall today. Alright?"  
  
        After a minute, Perrie nodded her head and smiling up at Zayn. Before she knew it, Zayn was walking out the door, driving to Niall's house.  
  
        The car ride to Niall's house was only about ten minutes, in the process of the drive Zayn stuffed his journal into the glove compartment of his car. Once he got to Niall's house, Niall kindly letting Zayn hide away from him wife for a few hours, Niall got them some beers and they sat in front of the TV. Football was on, of course, but Zayn was hardly watching the game. He didn't feel like himself right now and he just wanted to get something off his chest.  
  
        "Niall..." Zayn started slowly, pulling Niall's eyes away from the current game going on. "I'm going to tell you something, and you can't talk about it. At all. Not a word. Just let me say two words then continue onto the game. Okay?" Zayn instructed, glancing over at Niall to watch him nod his head, but his eyebrows were knotted together in confusion. Zayn just ignored it, taking a few deep breathes before he let the words, "I'm gay," fall out of his lips. Zayn's eyes finally met Niall's, shock written across his face. He was taken back, of course. Usually guys who've been married to a beautiful wife don't just randomly come out as gay. The next thing to come to Zayn's mind was him hoping and praying Niall wasn't actually homophobic -- he's just always known Niall to be loving and carefree.  
  
        "Me too," Niall finally spoke after a long, anxiety-filled pause. This surprised Zayn, but what really caught him off-guard was when Niall pressed his lips to Zayn's. There was a few seconds of hesitation before Zayn started to roughly kiss Niall back, moving their lips together perfectly. Before Zayn even knew what was happening, Niall was straddling his waist and running his fingers through Zayn's hair. The younger boy gripped at the raven hair in his fists, forcing him to lean his head back into the couch, while he kissed and nipped softly at his neck.  
  
        "Didn't think you of the dominate type," Zayn muttered out, followed by a soft groan as Niall bit down harshly at the sensitive spot below Zayn's ear. The older boys hands found their way to grip Niall's shirt, tugging their bodies closer together while Niall sucked and lightly dug his teeth into the place on Zayn's neck. Just this making Zayn moan a little too much.  
  
        Niall finally pulled his lips away from Zayn's now bruised neck, trailing his kisses down the tanned boy's skin. "Just thought you didn't have much experience in this sorta stuff," Niall chuckled, pulling back and push Zayn's shirt off over his head, before slipping down onto the floor and sitting up on his knees. Zayn watched the younger boy sit in front of him and begin to undo and tug off the raven boy's pants. Niall's eyes widened as he saw how tight Zayn's pants must've been.  
  
        "You've done this before?" Zayn questioned, looking down at Niall as he spread Zayn's legs and got closer to him, licking a strip over Zayn's clothed erection. A moan came from the back of the older boy's throat, cursing at the pale boy's actions, "Shit, yeah you have," Zayn added at the end, making Niall smirk. Niall lipped over the shape of Zayn's cock, causing to break down into moans. The younger boy couldn't help but smile at the sight of this while he pulled away from Zayn's crotch, Zayn only whimpering at the loss of contact. The younger boy only continued to pull off Zayn's boxers, gripping his length and licking over his leaking tip. The raven haired boy bucked his hips up impatiently, wanting to feel more of the blond boy's touch.  
  
        "Babe," Niall chuckled softly, then taking Zayn's tip of his cock into this mouth and sucking on it teasingly slow. A curse word was the first thing to come out of Zayn's mouth, followed by a moan and a quick movement from the older boy's hips to push himself into the blond boy's mouth more. Niall did as Zayn wanted, hallowing his cheeks as he bobbed Zayn's cock in and out of his mouth. The tanned boy's hands gripped at the blond hair, desperately pushing him down more while the older boy began getting deep throated with ease. Zayn knew he wasn't going to last long from the start, not many people touched him this well, and then the pale boy began pumping the rest of Zayn's length while his tip his the back of Niall's throat, that was it for him. Niall's name fell from Zayn's mouth as did a loud moan, while he spilled his orgasm into the very skilled, blond boy's mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO TERRIBLE at smut. I try for you guys.


	7. Six.

        Zayn sat there in Dr. Epstein's office, staring blankly at the plant standing at one of the corners. Zayn had always found himself facing the tall, thin plant when he didn't want to look Dr. Epstein in the eye; he liked counting the leaves over and over again, and noting how the stem of the plant went from light green to an almost white color. The raven haired boy then thought about how he could draw the plant perfectly and almost make it more beautiful, but he knew once he got home he would forget about the plant already, so there wasn't much point.  
  
        Dr. Epstein cleared his throat from across the room, catching Zayn's attention and making him so easily already forget about the plant. Their session had started around five minutes ago, but Dr. Epstein wanted Zayn to start off the meeting today; he wanted Zayn to be open and comfortable enough with him to tell him about how the short time since with last session has gone. Zayn didn't say anything, though. So, Dr. Epstein raised his eyebrows, trying to prop Zayn to say something, but the raven haired boy only mocked the doctor's expression, only more confused.  
  
        "Zayn," Dr. Epstein's voice broke through the silence, almost scolding the younger boy. Zayn only was taken back by the sudden scolding tone that rang through the doctor's words, making Zayn lean back into the couch more. Dr. Epstein only sighed and spoke in a more nurturing tone this time, "Have you been writing?" Silence broke though the room again, making Zayn's eyes glance back to the plastic plant in the corner, while Dr. Epstein's eyes burned holes into the side of the tanned boys head. "Zayn," the bald man's questioning voice livened the silent room again.  
  
        Zayn shook his head, looking at the balding man again and let out a deep sigh. "I don't want to anymore," a mumble escaped Zayn's lips, before he perked up and said again louder, "It's just making me sad, and making me think about things I don't want to think about anymore."  
  
        "Like?" Dr. Epstein questioned, raising an eyebrow and propped his yellow note pad on his lap, begin to scribble something down. Zayn only stayed quiet because of the doctor's actions. "Zayn, what's going on?"  
  
        The only sound was the clicking of Zayn's tongue against the roof of his mouth, while he debated on what to say. "I cheated," the words slowly slipped out of the raven boy's mouth, in lack of a more subtle way to admit that. Zayn didn't think he deserved subtle, though. He cheated and he wasn't going to sugarcoat it to make himself sound better. "On Perrie," Zayn slowly added at the end, even though it was quite obvious who he cheated on.  
  
        The words that Zayn spoke obviously came to a shock to Dr. Epstein, since Zayn had talked numerous amount of times how happy he was. "I thought you love Perrie," Dr. Epstein, but it was both a question and a statement at the same time. Zayn just shrugged at the doctor's words, his eyes still haven't left the plant in the corner. "Do you not?"  
  
        "No, no. She is, I am... We are... In love," Zayn tried to make his voice began to sound sincere, but the words slowly lost strength as he kept on pausing every two words, only making the tanned man groan and lower his head.  
  
        "Is she not giving you sex?" Dr. Epstein, the question tensing Zayn's shoulders since he hated talking about something so personal as their sex life. Although, Dr. Epstein didn't seem uncomfortable at all; he's had these sorts of conversations all the time.  
  
        After a few more seconds, Zayn spoke, "She wants to, but I deprive her of sex." The raven haired boy's words were unsure and awkward, not really feeling the whole sex talk thing.  
  
        "Are you sexually attracted to her?" the doctor asked, getting a shake of the head from Zayn. "Are you emotionally attracted to her?" Epstein pressed on with questions, earning a slower shake of the head from Zayn. "The person you cheated on with, was that emotional or physical?"  
  
        "Physical."  
  
        "So, it wasn't the girl you use to be in love with?" Dr. Epstein spoke while Zayn tensed up again, since he was talking about Liam, only Zayn had never explained to the balding man that the person he use to love was  _a guy_. Dr. Epstein only assumed the mystery first love had been a girl. What made Zayn even more uneasy, though, was how the two had promised to not talk about Zayn's first love unless Zayn brought it up; he wasn't ready to yet. "Zayn, we have to talk about her one time or another."  
  
        "Him," Zayn breathed out the correction, looking up to see Dr. Epstein's confused expression. "I was in love with a guy, and yesterday I let a guy suck me off," Zayn's voice was harsh and condescending, causing the older gentlemen to slightly raise his arms in defense. "I'm sorry, it's still hard for me to talk about," Zayn mumbled, leaning forward to rest him elbows on his knees and lay his head in his arms. "I'm gay."  
  
\- Flashback -  
  
July 2, 2011  
  
        Liam eyed Zayn's paper curiously, as the raven haired boy scribbled quickly onto the sheet. Zayn met Liam's eyes, a smile spreading across his face as he told the brown eyed boy for the millionth time to not look and sit still, which Liam did. Zayn's eyes scanned over the shape of Liam's face, then went back to the paper, shading and sketching with his motel pen. There was numerous times that Zayn had been asked to draw for someone -- and he always would happily, messily doodle something for them -- but when Zayn had mentioned his passion for drawing to Liam and he was eager for a drawing too, Zayn wanted it to be perfect. For some reason, the brown haired boy's opinions on Zayn's art was important.  
  
        "You've been drawing for, like, an hour. Can't I at least have a peak?" Liam groaned from beside Zayn, moving around to try to get another look at the drawing.  
  
        "Firstly, it's been seven minutes, and, yeah, fine. This is the best it'll get," Zayn mumbled softly, revealing his artwork to the eager boy, biting his lip out of nerves. Zayn showed his work to people all the time, so he didn't understand why he felt so much anxiety this time around. After a few seconds of Liam just staring at the paper, the anxious boy pulled it back, shaking his head. "It's not great, I know. If I had a pencil it would've been better..." He began 'explaining' himself to Liam, holding the artwork to his chest.  
  
        Liam just shook his head, pulling the drawing out of the older boy's grasp. "It's amazing," Liam smiled and examined the silhouette drawing of himself. "Where did you learn to draw like this?"  
  
        "Mostly self-teaching and practice," Zayn shrugged, relief washing over him as he watched Liam smile at the doodle -- that Zayn worked way too hard on. "You can keep it, if you wanna," Zayn offered shyly, looking around Liam's motel room awkwardly.  
  
        Before Zayn knew what was happening himself, Liam was taping the slightly crumpled sheet of lined paper onto the wall above the wood desk, causing the hazel eyed boy to blush as he did. "You should draw me more, so this whole wall will be covered in them," Liam turned to face Zayn, the familiar smiles creeping on both of their faces as they looked at one another.  
  
        "Would you like that?" Zayn questioned, getting a silent nod from Liam.  
  
        Zayn had never given away his art before, he would only doodle little things on the side of people's school papers or on chalk, but never has Zayn ever took time out of his day to personalize something for someone else. He was more of the person who didn't show off his work and rub it in people's face that he was a semi-good drawer, he'd rather just scribble in his sketchbook and never show that to anyone. Though, Zayn knew if Liam asked to keep his sketchbook, Zayn would laminate it for him. Which was bizarre.  
  
        Something came over Liam in that minute. He'd always been this shy, isolated person, who even moved into a crappy motel to get away from the chaos of his family. At school, Liam didn't have many friends; he was that kid who was too innocent and timid for his own good. Right now, though, Liam just really fucking wanted to kiss Zayn. And he knew that if he didn't do it, then it'll never happen. So, Liam leaned down to the height of Zayn sitting on the chair, and gently pressed their lips together in a kiss.  
  
        At first, Zayn didn't know what to do; he's never had a guy kiss him before. As Liam cupped his cheek, though, the raven hair began relaxing and slowly started to kiss back. The kiss didn't last too long, and it was pretty awkward, but both the boys loved it -- Zayn was almost afraid of how much he liked it. Once their lips were detached and the big, brown eyes were staring into Zayn's, he said the only thing he could think right now, "I'm not gay."


	8. Seven.

\- Flashback -  
  
July 18, 2011  
  
        It's been over two weeks since the little incident between Zayn and Liam, and they both haven't really spoken a word about it to one another. Of course, there was a sort of awkward tension between the two. Like when Liam was reaching over across the table to grab another beer, Zayn automatically backed away from him. Like when Zayn sat next to Liam on the couch, and Liam scooted away from the raven haired boy when their knees brushed together. They weren't their usual touchy, happy friendship. All of a sudden it was like there was a think cloud of awkwardness and uneasiness surrounding them all the time now.  
  
        Zayn was in the bar's employee locker room, changing from his ripped, run-down jeans and into his black working pants, when Liam walked into the room. "Jesus, Liam," Zayn jumped and breathed out when Liam's sudden entrance slightly frightened him -- this only causing Liam to laugh at the raven haired boy.  
  
        While Liam made his way over to the back of the locker room, setting himself down on the bench in which Zayn had first ever saw him, Zayn just remained completely stiff and awkward; Zayn was almost completely naked other than his boxers and the apron he moved in front of his area to shield from Liam. The brown haired boy just casually opened his locker up -- even though Liam was not an employee, he got one because his uncle worked there -- and got out his sweater and pulled it on. When Liam finally noticed Zayn staring at him, his own shoulders tensed up as well. "What?"  
  
        "I'm changing," Zayn's voice rung with annoyance, causing Liam's expression to turn confused.  
  
        "I've watched you undress before, Zayn," Liam spoke with the same level of annoyance, turning his back to the nearly naked boy and continuing to rummage through his locker; he wasn't even looking for anything specific, though.  
  
        "Yeah? Well, this time I want you to leave," Zayn's word were harsh, harsher than he wanted them to be.  
  
        Liam spiraled around and looked at the tanned boy with a hard face for a minute, before letting out a deep breath and looking at Zayn with a pained expression. "Are you homophobic?" Liam's words were now soft and filled with ill-ease, while the hurt of realization sunk into his chest like a bullet. A simple, slow nod came from the raven haired boy, only causing Liam's heart to break a little more at the answer. "I'll go, then," the words were sharp, but only because Liam didn't want Zayn to hear his voice break.  
  
        As Liam began getting his things, Noah entered into the room, smirking softly when he saw the appearance of Zayn. Noah's voice broke through the silence when he greeted Zayn, but his tone made Liam tense with jealousy. When Zayn greeted Noah back with the same tone he had with him, Liam turned around and threw his hands up in the air, "What the hell, Zayn?" This time Liam's voice was louder and angrier, "Noah is queer as fuck, and all he does is stare at your ass, but he's allowed to be present when you undress?" Noah opened his mouth to protest Liam's words, but Liam only shouted over them, "At least I show you dignity and respect. And I'm your mate, not this perv. So why are you giving me this bullshit?"  
  
        Zayn was taken off guard and his mouth was hanging open in shock at him, but he soon regained his character. "I don't want  _you_  staring at me," Zayn hissed out at Liam; he even hated himself for the way he was acting.  
  
        "Fuck you," Liam's voice was soft and broken again, pushing his way past Noah as he ran out of the locker room.


	9. Eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut and sexual, graphic content. Read if you please, but do not report. You have been warned.

        "So, you're a homophobic gay guy?" Dr. Epstein asked Zayn, who sat slumped in the couch, wearing sweats and looking extra sleep deprives today. Zayn had to start talking to the balding doctor about all his thoughts, since Zayn no longer wanted to write in his journal. Talking about his problems was even harder than him having to write them down. Still, though, Dr. Epstein pushed the depressed, sleepless adult to talk about his past.  
  
        Zayn only shook his head at the question and groaned, for the millionth time since the session began. "No, I'm not homophobic, I was just being an asshole," the raven haired boy admits, leaning his head into his hands. He wasn't homophobic, and he never has been; before Zayn had met Liam one of his mates who hung around the skateboarding rink was gay. Zayn has never insulted or judged another person's lifestyle before, which only made him more angry at himself when he thought back to when he judged Liam's out of the mixture of anger and confusion he was feeling.  
  
        Dr. Epstein scribbled something down while Zayn was hating himself for events that happened a long, long time ago, but his teeth clenched when he saw that Dr. Epstein was writing in that stupid fucking notepad. "I don't want to do this anymore," Zayn says, trying to repress the angry so it wouldn't ring in his words. Dr. Epstein just raised his eyebrows at Zayn, waiting to see if he's continue. "I don't wanna talk about Liam anymore," Zayn added on after he took a deep breath.  
  
        There was a silence in the room before Dr. Epstein took Zayn's journal, the journal Zayn had previously been writing in and gave it back because "he didn't wanna anymore", and laid it on the coffee table in front of the raven haired boy. "Write, then," Dr. Epstein simply said to the other boy. The balding man noted the confusion on Zayn's face, so he went on, "Right here, in front of me, write about it."  
  
        Reaching for the leather-bound journal on the table and a pen, Zayn let out a an obviously annoyed huff and began writing;  
  
 _Dear Liam,_  
        I'm having to write about you. In front of someone. I have to admit, I hate it. Not because I'm some douchebag, well, I am, but because you've always been my little secret that held close to my heart. No one has ever known about us, and I preferred it that way. I didn't want to tell anyone our love story, because it was ours. I didn't want to compare what we had to movies or songs or poems, because I didn't want to feel like anyone else 'got' us. I wanted to pretend like no one had ever lived through a love like ours.  
  
        And I wanted to apologize for that one night, even though I already have before, but I was just such an asshole. I can't even wrap my head around why I did. Well, I can, but I'd rather not. I just miss you. And I'm sorry for everything.  
  
P.s. You give better blowjobs.  
  
From,  
Zayn  
  
        As Zayn closed his journal and looked up to meet Dr. Epstein's eyes, who was just leaning back in his chair, relaxing. "Feeling better?" the doctor, receiving a nod from his patient.  
  
\- Flashback -  
  
July 21, 2011  
  
        Liam heard a quiet knock on his motel room door, just minutes after he himself got back from his shift working at the front desk. The feathery haired boy groaned under his breath from exhaustion and slowly dragged his dead body weight over to the door. Once he opened it and saw who was standing there, he was half tempted to just close the door in their face. But the person already seemed to guess Liam would have that reaction, so they laid their rather large hands on the door to stop Liam from shutting it.  
  
        "Zayn..." Liam warned in a soft, tired voice, not even trying to close the door, seeing how Liam was half asleep and Zayn was wide awake and ready for his working shift. "I'm not in the mood, really. Can I just go to bed and we'll talk about this another day?" Liam suggested, rubbing his eyes so he could get a clearer view of the tanned boy, mentally cursing himself that he had. Zayn was freshly shaved, wearing a red sweater that was pulled up to his elbows and showing off his tattoos, and he was wearing his non-preconditioned glasses -- even though Liam was pissed at Zayn, he still had to shake the cloud of lust running through his head.  
  
        Zayn just pushed past Liam, but not in a harsh way. Right now Zayn just looked like an innocent boy who had accidentally broke his mother's vase and didn't want to get in trouble. The raven haired face was sad, his eyes watching the floor as he walked, and Liam could tell that Zayn made it so their shoulder's brushed as Zayn walked into the motel room. "I'm not," was the only words that came from Zayn's mouth as he started passing over the small amount of clear area in Liam's room.  
  
        Liam just rolled his eyes and sat himself on the bed, watching Zayn as he walked from one side of the room, to the other, and repeating. "I know you're not gay, Zayn," Liam said harshly through his teeth, but his face softened as he saw Zayn pick up a crumbled sheet of paper out of the trash can. "Don't look at that, Zayn..." Liam warned quietly, rubbing his forehead as Zayn continued to unwrap the lined paper and realized what it was. "I'm sorry..." The brown haired boy spoke to the raven haired boy, while the tanned boy went on to hang back up his drawing of Liam's silhouette above the desk.  
  
        Before Liam knew what was happening, Zayn was between his legs, pushing him down onto the bed and hovering over top of him. Zayn's facial expression was soft and sad, as he gently stroked Liam's cheek with the back of his hand. "No, I'm the sorry one," Zayn's usual deep, raspy voice was now just a whisper, causing Liam's heart to flutter. "I'm not a homophobe, I meant," and after Zayn said that, his lips were softly pressed down onto Liam's, who was still speechless at what was going on right now.  
  
        Slowly, the kisses became more heated, as Liam started to realize that this was really happening in his bed. While Zayn bit at Liam's lip, Liam kicked off his nicer working shoes, and both of their breath and heartbeat started to pick up, they somehow ended up to be shirtless with Liam leaning against the bed frame and Zayn on his lap. Zayn's arms were thrown around Liam's neck loosely, fishing and tugging at the brown haired boy's feathery hair, Liam's hands were firmly holding Zayn on top of him. Liam was getting ready to break away from the make-out session, knowing this was Zayn's first time kissing a boy like this. Before Liam could, though, he felt Zayn's half-hard cock grind down into his, immediately causing a moan to escape his lips; it caught him off-guard and he couldn't contain it.  
  
        As soon as Zayn began trying to harden Liam's boner, he was pushed down onto his back on the bed by Liam. It's been too long since Liam had gotten any proper skin-to-skin contact, and he's been craving it. The raven haired boy's clothing slowly started to peel away, only after Liam got an approving nod to do so. Zayn's cock was fully hard by the time Liam pulled his boxers to his knees; each mark Liam made on the tanned boy's chest and each moan that escaped the brown eyed boy's mouth made Zayn harder and harder.  
  
        Liam licked over his own hand before and slowly began pumping the older boys cock, going teasingly slow, just so he could watch Zayn become a moaning mess under him. Once Zayn's tip began leaking, Liam started kitty licking over the slit while picking up the pass of the pumps. Zayn arched his back from the contact he was now getting from Zayn's wet, warm mouth. The brown eyed boy looked up at the hazel eyed boy through his eyelashes, hoping to be able to watch him with he made the boy cum, but instead Liam found Zayn with his eyes closed, looking like he was in fucking bliss, the sight giving Liam the craving of Zayn strengthen. Liam enveloped the leaking slit into his mouth, sucking onto the tip and causing a grunt to erupt from the back of Zayn's throat. A smirk appeared on Liam's face as he took that as an okay to continue, hallowing his cheeks and bobbing his head, still flicking his wrists on the parts that didn't fit into his mouth. Zayn bucked his hips up more, attempting to get Liam to deep throat him, but Liam had to pull back slightly before he could fully press his nose against Zayn's pubic hair. After a few times of his tip hitting against the back of Liam's throat and feeling the vibration from Liam's tongue as he moaned, Zayn released an embarrassingly quick amount of time; Liam swallowing everything that went into his mouth.  
  
        No one had ever touched Zayn so well before, his ex girlfriend had a small mouth, so he's never even gotten a real blowjob before. Liam didn't make any comments, though he was secretly proud of himself for how good he could make Zayn feel so quickly. They both laid their head on the pillows of Liam's bed and looked up at the ceiling; holding hands and breathing heavily. Liam knew he was falling hard, while Zayn was trying to convince himself that getting a blowjob from a guy doesn't mean you're gay.


End file.
